Im in a rut mood wise. Im not sure what is going on but I dont really like it.  My body has been freaking me out.  I think it started last with with Tamar as we started talking about my body. Instead of the art route which we used to do, we are now delving into body image work that really needs to be done but is so hard. R and I are going to go thrifting Saturday and I plan to get loose linen pants (yay warm weather!) and lots of dresses for the summer as well.  I dont need to torture myself in jeans when everytime I attempt to eat well my body swells up and holds as much water as a Culligan man.

 I gain anywhere from 6-8 pounds whenever I have ONE freaking day of healthy eating. I avoid salt, I drink water (or attempt, I usually have to remind myself quite a bit) and I work out. Still, I gain and the water gives me a belief that I am fat. I do think Im fat right now. I hate the way I look and yet, I am still trying to deal with it.  I cannot afford to lose weight. I cannot go back to that place, that hell, that torture.

I need a strategy for tomorrow. I need to set times I will eat because otherwise I end up putting it off and then I end up being ridic at night.

I made 3 days this week without bping. Yesterday was a whirlwind of emotions. I woke up and from the minute I did my mood was weak. I felt bad for putting R through it but I guess the truth is, if he chose to stay with me yesterday when I offered to go home bc of my mood, it is his choice. It was a nice day though. We were out and about and then at night went out with some friends. I was so bloated/distended and was miserable. My legs were bulging out of my jeans and I just need to not wear jeans for a while. Anyway, although it was fun, I lost a chunk of time. I lost a big chunk of time because I ate sweet potato fries and Ill admit, in the way I ate them, it was bingy. It was not a binge however. I went to the bathroom to purge, and it would have been the first time around him and I couldnt do it. I was so nervous and felt so guilty so I didnt. Im really struggling with my body at the moment. I think Im going to go out and get some dresses for this spring/summer so while I am adjusting again, I dont have to worry about jeans.

back to the blog

*disclaimer* I got really upset tonight and I tried journaling but it wouldnt come so I did what I could and wrote Tamar who had written me an email today after our session...

Thank you Tamar. I wish I would have answered too. Unfortunately, or good for me, I was sleeping. I was going to go to yoga but I just couldnt really do anything but sleep. Im just going to write a bit because I want you to hear these thoughts as they are present because other times, I have trouble verbalizing them. I hate this. I hate it. I dont fight it unless it is going well. If urges are not present, I will eat and keep it in. If urges creep in, I throw in the towel and I give in right away because it is so comforting. I hate myself. I hate that I am lying to everyone, even myself! I still think Im doing well most of the time. Well, just because things are as they were before, that doesnt mean I am doing well. Ive come out of that denial a bit because I can verbalize it to you. Nonetheless, I HATE who I am when I am an eating disorder. I am a liar. I am a walking lie. I walk into TEP and hope that when Angela and Helene see me they think I am doing well because my body is heavier. I am just as sick though arent I? Why am I just coming to terms with this and WHY am I allowing it? What is going on inside of me that I brought myself back to this horrifying way to "experience" life? I told my mom and she said that I am the stronger one but guess what Tamar? Im not. There is no way I am stronger than this monster living in my head. There is no way to compete with it. It runs through my veins, it is in my brain, it consumes everything. I am dirty. I know Ive said it before and I still feel it; I am internally dirty/gross. The other thing she told me was to "kick it in the ass," which at least lightened the mood.

Tamar, does the answer of "Why cant I fight these thoughts," lie inside of me? I feel like I need an answer. Im tired. I am exhausted from fighting and always losing. Why would I keep putting myself up against something that will always win? Why humiliate myself like that time after time? I guess I believe there is a way out of this. I fear that I dont have what it takes to really take a stand. You know why else I hate myself currently? I say these things over and over. Every year I "want help," and every year I tell myself "I can do this, I just need to do A, B and C. Thats the answer!" What if there is no answer? Im so close to admitting defeat. Im so close to the edge. The louder the voice gets and the more I pay attention to it, the closer I get to wanting to lose weight, wanting to start laxatives again, start purging water, cutting..all those things I let go of, they are all so close to the surface. If that happens, then the drinking has a good chance of popping up and then..I dont know if I am strong enough to live with all of those in my life again and I DO want to live. I really do. I really want recovery. I hate the way I have let the ED back in so strongly.

As someone who knows me WELL, what is your perception of me? Am I doing a well job of hiding my demons from the world?

You can read this and delete it, you dont need to respond. I tried to journal right now because I got very upset and when I tried to journal I couldnt. I could however write to you. Maybe I wanted someone to just hear me.

*edited to add: "Well, just because things are as they were before"....paragraph 2. Fruedian slip?

Yoga today was great. A announced that she is going on vacay for 2 weeks She did say, "I hate telling you guys these things bc I dont want you to get attachment issues..." She is so right. Everyone LOVES her.

The gym was hard today. Maybe I should just say the morning was hard. I fell back asleep after getting a call from work at 6am. I missed my L appt. Not cool. I needed to be there, especially with the weight thing. Since I didnt get to the appt I weighed myself instead. Stupid. DUMB. Anyway, that morning followed me and I was a crabby mofo. I said nasty things to everyone (in my head) who passed by me. People would walk past me and I'd think, "Nice hair asshole." Awesome. way to project insecurity

Work was good I suppose. Texted w/B (from 'bou) a bit and then Andy texted to let me know we have unfinished business and we arent done with our relationship. News to me. I told PJ and all she replied with was, "If I dream about him I'ma kill myself." Love her.

Tomorrow Im meeting B to hang out before I have yoga. He is working out at 9 and I have yoga at noon so we are going to meet at the gym around 11 and hang out in the cafe. Then work. Whoopdefuckingdo.

recap of the past few days

My life is a joke at times. I havent updated in a bit so here are a few main points.


*I had an amazing food day Monday. No sx use. I saw "The Dilemma." It was okay.
*I feel as though I am gaining, again. I swear to God...
*B & J teamed up against B at work (autistic) and have attempted to get him to do sexual things. Poor B does not understand that this isnt safe. He doesnt know better.
*The guy I like from 'bou apparently moved here for rehab. And would like a friends w/benefits situation. I always attract the winners. Im growing up though and respecting myself; I told him that would not be happening.
*A and I decided to hook up on Vday. Whatever. He was amazing and I still miss "him."

Seriously..omg...gaining. I swear to God I will go fucking crazy. I didnt workout Tuesday and actually for the whole month of Feb thus far I have been slacking. Time to kick it up a notch. Im going to go after work and then tomorrow after my L appt I will do some cardio and yoga at noon. I have Saturday off of work because my little sister has her dance performance. I am so excited. She also choreographed this year so it should be really fun to watch her.

Met up with Samantha yesterday. I love my Halfie. She is so amazing. I cannot wait until we can walk to the coffee shop together. We live less than a block away from each other. Im so excited for this summer with her. She is amazing.

My roommate N honestly says one word to me when I see her. Im fucking sick of her. She is a stuck up little cunt. Yes, yes she is. Excuse my language. I am going to talk to L tomorrow about it and see what she thinks. I know she will tell me to talk to her about it but honestly, I dont even want to go that far. If the stupid bitch wont talk to me, why the hell should I go as far as sitting down with her to talk? I hope she gets deported.

boring...

I went to Blick's today and got a new sketchpad. They do not have the oil pastels I like so I didnt get any. Ill have to go to Office Max I think.


I want spring. It is 32 and sunny here today. I drove w/my windows down.

Therapy was great today. We went over the past few days. It is rough man. Laura has all of my behaviors and thoughts written down right in front of her. She is seeing what I am eating, where I am, my thoughts and whether or not I am using any symptoms during the day. She looks at my weight every session..it is well, exposing. Laura and i have had a lot of issues over the years working together. At first, I was a stubborn teenager. She brought to light all the problems I had. I did not have a drinking problem. My life was fine I thought. It was hard (and still is at times) because she is so brutally honest. She will not accept any bullshit answer. She is BRILLIANT at what she is doing. She is highly respected at is feared by many patients. Now, it is funny to me that I was one of those her feared her and hated therapy. We laugh, she has a soft spot for me now. She is very invested in me and my recovery and it is quite a good feeling.

February Exercise

Feb 1
30min cardio
20min yoga/stretching

Feb 2
30min cardio
10min core

Feb 3
1hr yoga

Feb 6
30min cardio

Feb 7
20min cardio
1hr yoga

Feb 9
30min cardio
10min core/stretch

Feb 10
1hr yoga

Feb 11
10min cardio
1hr yoga

Feb 13
20min yoga

Feb 14
1hr yoga

Feb 16
1hr yoga
Total:
9hr, 30min

the joker

My life is a joke. My "love life" anyway, or lack there of. Yesterday my ex (i dont even think I can consider him that. We messed around for 2 months, were official for 3 weeks) had up a FB status about a MN Twolves player. The status read:

Kevin Love has three 30-point, 20-rebound games this season; no other NBA player has one.- espn.com

I commented under it, "I'd Love me some Kevin." You all get it, yes? Oh but you are wrong. Apparently this was my way of letting him know I would love some of my other ex-bf Kevin. We legit fought back and forth via TEXT for probably an hour until I gave up and started ignoring him. During this whole ordeal I find out he was lying to me about sleeping with other people because he found it appropriate for the time to lie to me about that. Little does he know I knew he was lying so when he asked if he could come over (use your hand, geez) I said I couldnt do that to myself because I need to protect my health. Am I a tad manipulative? Of course. Owned. I am PISSED at him. Not only because he acted so childish, but for the fact that I had not thought of Kevin in a long time, I hadnt longed for him, I hadnt missed his goofy laugh, his fun personality, or well, his alcoholism. All those memories came flooding back along with the judgment I have for myself regarding the ending of our relationship. The breakup was for the best, but the breakup was my fault. There is one other person who knows why and Id like to leave it there so I wont get into it.

Today, like I expected, I got an apology text. It could mean something, but the fact that he acts out on his insecurities and uses other people as the scapegoats all to often and then sends these texts hours later has gotten redundant. And well, pathetic.

ah man, really?

Ah fack. Here is the anxiety that comes in and the uneasiness my behaviors calm. However, this is what I expected and pledged I would carry myself through. Ive been using some DBT skills. "There is tightness in my stomach. My breath is shallow. My thoughts are leading towards food. And those are thoughts that I do will not act upon. This will end and I will get to the other side of the urge." I used mouthwash because brushing usually helps--I needed the mint flavor. Gum does not help in this situation because of the chewing action. Im also listening to Eva Cassidy's True Colors. It was on American Idol. This song always moves me.

After my difficult thoughts last night, I went to bed. I laid in bed and began to get very uncomfortable. I was weak. My left arm hurt. I was sweating. I was cold. I began to get scared. I had just purged a lot. I began crying, mourning what I have gone through. I have been so mean to myself. I have wreaked havoc on my poor body and soul. I have put my parents through a lot of sadness and frustration. And I realized, "If I want to make them happy and be where I am not, thinking about that is not going to get me there. If I want to please them, I can get myself happy. And this is NOT happy." I cried. I cried for the fear of my parents death. I cried because I put myself through hell and for what reason? My chest began to hurt. I had chest pains. I grabbed my stuffed animal that I have had since I gave up diapers. I knew I couldnt drive myself to the ER a mere 3 miles away. I wouldnt make it. My energy was zapped. I considered waking Kate to tell her I was calling an EMT. If I wasnt dying, I would at least get electrolytes replaced in the ER. My reasoning to grab my toy was to have it, and give my parents the security and comfort knowing that I passed holding BooToo. I have wrappers in my room, hidden in my closet that I needed to take out in the morning. I considered running that out and hoping Id make it so it would not be found when they found me.

Looking back, I am not 100% sure, but I attest these symptoms to what was most likely a panic/anxiety attack. At one point, I had convulsed my body extremely hard and said, "Get the fuck out of me." I was referring to my eating disorder, the negative and detrimental thoughts that swarm through my head daily. It was a hard night, yes. And I got through it. I woke up this morning with urges yet went to meet my friend at Caribou like we had planned and said "Fuck you" as I ate my Earnest bar.

recommendation for any pain

This morning my neck was sore and stiff. I have no idea what it was from, probably sleeping wrong on it. I reached on my shelf and grabbed my Tiger Balm.

This product is amazing. Within ten minutes, all soreness and tension was removed. My friend's son is teething and since it is nontoxic we rubbed it on his gums and he was soon a happy camper. I am writing for everyone, but specifically my friend Katie who reads this. She has back pain from fractures and although I dont know if it works with the like, I believe buying this and trying it is worth it for all that it can do. And who doesnt get sore from time to time?

from Tiger Balm
Tiger Balm has risen from the ancient courts of Chinese emperors to worldwide prominence.

It all began when Aw Chu Kin, a Chinese herbalist working in the Emperor’s court, left China and set up a small medicine shop called Eng Aun Tong in Rangoon in the late 1870s, where he would make and sell his special ointment that was effective in relieving all kinds of aches and pains.
When Aw Chu Kin died in 1908, he left his business to his two sons Aw Boon Haw (meaning ‘gentle tiger’) and Aw Boon Par (meaning ‘gentle leopard’). They took the business to Singapore and successfully sold their ointment to surrounding countries like Malaya, Hong Kong, Batavia, Siam and various cities in China. Aw Boon Haw was the marketing genius who named the product Tiger Balm.
Tiger Balm has since been immortalized as one of the world’s best-known pain-relieving formulations. The rest as they said, was history.

Tiger Balm is sold at Albertsons  in Utah and the following popular locations everywhere:
*Whole Foods
*CVS
*GNC
*Publix
*The Vitamin Shoppe
*Walgreens
*Wild Oats

Im fucked

I just realized Ive been trying to get better for my parents. I have this guilt riding over me because I was always the one who was going to get married first, have children first and that is no where in fucking sight for me. So I lied to myself and Ive been telling myself over and over that I want to get better. I want to get a job. I want to get married. I want kids. And I do want all those things. I really do want all of those things. But if I want them so badly I would fight harder. I want them, sure as hell I do. Im scared I will not get married and have children BECAUSE I want to give that to my parents. I want to show them I am recovered, I want to show them I am safe with another man, and I want to give them the great joy of grandchildren. I want to so badly watch them play with my little ones and I am scared that wont happen. I feel so guilty when I sit across from them. I dont want them to think they failed because they didnt. They were and are amazing parents. Somewhere along the line I fucked up (please, nobody mention I am didnt. I know I am not a fuck up, but I did fuck up. Fact.). I hate that they might hurt for what they are missing. I am so afraid of my parents dying. Terrified. Is it my biggest fear? Yes. Do I think I can handle life without them? No. Could I get by, pay the bills, etc? Of course. Could I mentally and emotionally move on? No. And that reason is because there is so much I have left undone for them. There is so much unfinished business I would have. I need to recover. I need to give them the security of a long term stable job. I need to show them I am safe. I have a family if anything should happen. I need to show them the joy of having grandchildren. I need to show them they were successful in raising me.

I cannot wait to leave work. I am so sick of J. He is the one that by the end of the week I just need to get away from. All the other guys I am totally fine with but he is just too overbearing and I think it frstrates me bc he is the highest functioning. He gives me every tidbit of info there is, he breath SMELLS, he chews with his mouth open and talks with a mouth full of food, he complains a lot..it is a lot to handle. The others get just as frustrated with him as I do. It is soo much to deal with. In these cases I just usually distance myself from him because I am not going to allow myself to snap at him--it is not his fault, it is me and my own pet peeves.

My job is hard. Ok no. Sunday we took the guys bowling. Tonight we had the all home get together. We went to the mall for dinner and a movie. Dinner was in the food court. My lame/fearful ass took the money Im given and went to Caribou for a large dark roast. There were MANY options for me (or for me to compromise with the ed a little). Potbelly has a new skinny tuna sandwich. I have no idea what it is but I saw the sign. There was a Subway, Baja Sol and a Soup/Sandwich shop. It was one of those days...

We saw Little Fockers. It was the only movie we could see at that time. Some lady sitting next to us with her 3 young children just kept staring at us. Seriously, are people THAT ignorant, rude and stupid?! I glared the eff right back at her, very well, bitchy. These guys are people too. They deserve everything everyone else in this world does. And you know what? They get more joy out of seeing their friends at the mall than you ever will. They get joy by riding in the van. They find joy in the simple things.

I havent been to the gym since Monday and I am kicking myself. I planned to go tonight but because of my messed up eating today I decided it would be pointless. Wheeling T in today left me out of breath and my heart pounding. I guess I also rationalized with the ED that since I didnt eat much, I wouldnt get fat from not working out today. 3 days in a row though, wow...thats bad.

So plan tomorrow is to workout, Laura, yoga, work.

And to stay warm. Right now it is -15. FML. I really hope my car doesnt have trouble starting.

3 day breast cancer walk

I am thinking of doing the 3 Day with some friends from Lifetime. I need to raise $2300 however. Does anyone have anything they have done to raise money? Or any ideas?

tired

I had a good workout today. I made it to the gym and had time to do 20min of cardio before yoga. Yoga was again, intense. Annie is so...bright and charismatic. The next class Ill make to of hers is unfortunately Sunday because her class Saturday is at 1pm and it doesnt work with my work schedule. Michelle and I are going to go to her class together on Monday (assuming it is still in place with the MLKjr holiday) and then out for a small lunch. I am suggesting we go to Bravo! for their vegetarian platters or Yum! I didnt make those exclamations up, they both really have them in the title. Yum! is a bit more expensive. Ive been there three times though and it is amazing. I get the ginger tuna burger but I want to try something else. It's quite the upbeat little place. I like it. I havent been to Bravo!, and its a good 20 minutes away. There is always French Meadow in Uptown.

Back to yoga--we did Dolphin Pushups. Holy smokes. Luckily Annie got down and did hers right by me. I know I would have "rested" if she didnt. They were so hard and each time I thought we were done doing them, she would fit them into another sequence. We can always go into forearm headstands whenever we go into Dolphin, but I held Dolphin today because it is such a good shoulder strengthener. Sometimes it is good to just stay where you are. Here are my war wounds from my pushups.I have them on both arms. It feels like a mix of rug burns/bruises.

I talked to Pj. She chose her ed over me. We wont be seeing much of each other. For a while at least. It is good. I know it makes having an eating disorder easier (being around her). It seems normalized and such. I dont want that. When I am around other friends I feel healthier.

Tomorrow I am working 2pm-8am. Then back Saturday at 2pm. Wahhhh.

respect

I spent most of the day with Pj yesterday. She got to my house later than she was supposed to and I asked "wtf were you doing?" and she responded with, "I stopped to get froyo." Since I had been to the gym and knew I should eat rather than risking getting to hungry I did (I also wanted to be a bit more frugal). I made a sandwich and had some milk and oj and within a half hour of her arrival we left. Our first stop was Costco. I got a soda there and she got...frozen yogurt. I would guess this was a 16oz. While we were shopping she had a few samples of things and thats when I started to think, "okay, maybe a normal person would be okay with this intake but I dont think Pj would be." I got a little worried but when she said, "I have to go to the bathroom," I knew that was my cue to assisst her so I was relieved and actually really happy for her. By the bathrooms, there was this huge breakroom. As we were in line to check out, right by the concession, she said, "I need coffee." and then said, "I bet they dont even have it here. Oh! I should go check the breakroom haha." After a bit, I thought to myself that she probably went to the bathroom but maybe not. I wasnt sure. We stopped a few other places and she would disappear in stores but I also am hyper aware to this behavior bc I always worry shes purging. At about 630 we got back to my place and after unloading and packing things up, she had about a cup or so of cottage cheese and I had some yogurt. About an hour later, I was hungry so I went down and made dinner, to which she had another cup of cottage cheese and then some oatmeal of mine. I went upstairs bc I had filtered water up there and you know, there was a great chance she yakked in my bathroom downstairs when I went up.

We drove together to Sensers and she got popcorn right away (free in baskets). Then another. She also got a little cup and washed it out to use as a bowl for dip. She went to the bathroom to wash it out and when she got back told me how the girls in there were looking at her weird. I got a basket as it neared 930. She got another. I ran to the bathroom bc I hate eating when I have to pee. I went in the handicap stall bc it was the only one open. There was an oil film on the water and pieces of popcorn in the toilet. Awesome. Too fucking awesome. I was pissed. I sat there thinking, "Fuck this. I should purge. This is NOT okay and not fair to me."

I asked Pj today not if she did, but how many times. She said, "1, sry" and hasnt talked to me since.

Needless to say, this is my commitment that I will distance myself from her. I have too many good friends to put up with this bullshit.

mywifey4lifey

Pj and I had an adventurous day today. Here is a preview of our day. This would be Peej bringing on a case of the 'roids while trying to push one out on the toilet we found for sale at Costco.

I let myself just be today. Sort of. Destructive habits arose but I also allowed myself to just hang around home and be okay with it. I even woke up and told myself it was okay not to go to yoga. I have been going a lot and today it felt forced so I didnt go. I didnt feel much guilt over it.

Today I:
-organized all the tupperwear
-cleaned kitchen floor
-laundry
-painted toes
and that might be it.

I am extremely sick of my roommate N. She is self centered or maybe just has no idea how her actions affect others. She..
-doesnt do her share of the chores around the house
-babbles loudly when others might be sleeping
-leaves dirty dishes around
-doesnt ever empty or fill dishwasher
-leaves all the lights on when not using them
-throws recyclable items in the regular trash
-leaves hair in the shower
But today I laughed when I saw a letter from the US Immigration Office. Hopefully she has to leave in May and we can get a new roommate.

got you where i want you

I pulled into the lot today at LTF and like all Sundays around noon, NO spots. The gym has overflow parking which is crazy and a good sign. Minneapolis is a pretty health conscious city. I circled the lot(s) twice and pleaded God to open a spot, "God, please, I need this (this meaning yoga)." About 10 seconds later a family walked out into their SUV right in front of the doors. I wasted time driving the lots so I just ran up to the yoga studio with all my belongings instead of stopping in the locker room. Annie walked out saying, "Its pretty packed in there, but there is still room." I opened the doors and I have never seen a Sunday noon class so full. I'd say it was more packed than Annie's holiday classes. The camaraderie in the room was stellar. Everyone was moving over so more people could squish in. Annie had us all introduce ourselves being that our sweaty limbs were going to be rubbing one another at some point.  Class was crazy good. I didnt know my shins had the ability to sweat that much. No matter how many times I toweled them off, the sweat kept profusely dripping. At the end of class, as we were in Savasana getting ready to "awaken" Annie said, "And you wonder what the point is. This is it. Unraveling all the layers." Lying there breathing slowly with my body heavily resting on the floor, I felt gratitude.

After yoga I went to the locker room and stood in one place for about 5 minutes as I took my shoe out of my bag and repeatedly put it on and took it off. I stood there for a while, just staring.

I should work out. I have the time. I always do cardio after yoga on Sundays. 
Yes I do but yoga was intense today. I dont need to do do do today. I can come back during the week and do cardio on a day I dont have a yoga class to get to.
AND I can also do it today. Why not? I will feel better if I do. I will feel better eating. Plus, I have so much fat I want to abolish still. 
Shower. I want to relax. I want to go to Target or Caribou before work. Ill do that.

I might have looked slightly insane but I escaped without cardio and now at this point in time, Im regretting it. I am not even going to allow myself to delve into why.

I was able to hold Svarga Dvidasana for the duration of the breaths today. It wasn't hard and I knew previously I was focusing too much on trying to hold it. When I focused inward and held my Drishti I got it. Here it is.

The arms are bound, so from behind it looks like this:

 


I am exhausted from this week and the running and not ever stopping has gotten to me. It feels like I havent sat down all week. I have another long work week this week too. I picked up the overnight on Friday and I think A and I are going to meet for coffee at 8am on Saturday since he gets off work at 6am that day. Weird messed up schedules. So like I said, sore throat, stuffy nose, chapped nose and chapped lips. Thank you winter. MN, you're lucky I love you so.

For all those that experienced 90s rock-remember this gem?

YOGA

Like many arts and sciences that are profound, beautiful, and powerful, yoga has suffered from the spiritual poverty of the modern world--it has been trivialized, watered down, or reduced to cliches. The deep and eternal essence of yoga has been misrepresented and packaged for personal profit by clever people. At the hands of some, yoga has been reduced to the status of just another exercise program available on videotape. In other contexts, yoga has been presented as a cult religion, aimed at attracting "devotees." Such a haze of confusion has been created around the clear and pure concept of yoga that it is now necessary to redefine yoga and clarify its meaning and purpose.

Yoga defines itself as a science--that is, as a practical, methodical, and systematic discipline or set of techniques that have the lofty goal of helping human beings to become aware of their deepest nature. The goal of seeking to experience this deepest potential is not part of a religious process, but an experiential science of self-study. Religions seek to define what we should believe, while a practical science such as meditation is based on the concrete experience of those teachers and yogis who have previously used these techniques to experience the deepest Self. Yoga does not contradict or interfere with any religion, and may be practiced by everyone, whether they regard themselves as agnostics or members of a particular faith.

if youre going to pass judgment...

...move onto the next blog you read.

I talked to Lex about this. Can I be in denial if I know I am in denial? I dont know the answer to be honest.

When I was really sick, I couldnt work, hold commitments or keep anything down. Currently, I am still trying to eat and eat in the mornings-afternoon quite often. I havent lost weight. I am maintaining around 130,I go to yoga, I meet up with friends, I visit friends and family, I work--I work A LOT. But have I relapsed? I dont know. I do know. I can type the words, "I have relapsed" but they mean nothing to me. I cannot accept them. I have been b/ping an average of 4 times a day which is not too stellar. I do not feel as sick as I have in the past and being an all or nothing person, since I am not on death's door, I am not sick. My bones aren't showing. Im not sick. My face isnt sunken in. I am not sick. Im working. I am not sick. I have amazing friends I see a lot. I am not sick.

But I don't think this is recovery either.

work work work

"Jodie, you need a day off."
-one of my guys at work

I cannot wait for Monday. I am going to be running around so I will most likely relax Tuesday.
I did my bi-weekly timecard today. 102 hours. Sheeeit. No wonder I am tired. Next week will be just as long since Im pulling a double including the overnight shift on Wednesday. Never a break. I need the money so all's good.

I like being busy and picking up hours at work. The trouble is going to come when I am back to normal hours (40hrs/wk) and I dont feel like I am doing enough. Part of me wants to work 2pm-8am all 5 of my work days. I know I would never be allowed that, but it seems like thats the only thing that would make me think I am doing enough.

Tomorrow:
-wake
-gym/yoga
-work
-sleep

comfortably numb--now

Rough day. I just couldnt find the motivation to be motivated today. I didnt do shit until I got to work at 12pm when I got word that F got in an accident so couldnt make the overnight shift. Knowing my boss would have to take it, I volunteered. Ive been here since noon and I wont leave until 8am, the time my therapy appt is scheduled for. Then back at 2pm. I want to get to noon yoga with Annie as well.

Anxiety attack at work over my size/weight/the number. Now I have to hear that number again tomorrow morning.

Unfortunately, after having a panic attack, crying randomly thinking "If I lose weight. I just need to lose weight, Ill be okay," I purged and things were better. It is a drug. And it works in the moment.

wise words

"And if nothing else, all you need to do is breathe."

Annie says this at the beginning of most of her classes. Just recently, I really heard these words and applied them to my recovery. I have a lot of difficulty in the evening. I can use these words and realize that if I want to get through it, I really only have to focus on breathing. If a task arises, do the task, and go back to breathing.

Today SUCKED. I did it to myself. I didnt do anything besides stay to myself. I did all of my laundry and aside from that, not much. I tried to read a bit and fell asleep knowing I was doing it to escape.I didnt go to yoga. The class I attend if I go on Tuesdays is Tory's class and it is 5pm. Trying to find a spot is impossible. Shuttles take people to and from overflow parking and with the weather being 0 degrees, I couldnt get myself there. I have to remind myself that I do not need to workout everyday. It is hard to be okay with it. Im not okay with it. I just have to trust that I am making the right decision.

I talked to A tonight and he really helped me feel better. I didnt seek him out. He kept asking if I was okay and what was wrong. I wasnt letting on to anything. It just must have been my lack of sense of humor (because when we talk its pretty much always BS and humor) and my short answers or comments. I finally let him in and he helped a lot. Im not sure what is going on with us but I like it. It seems like after all the crap we went though, we came out really good friends. Allowing him in helped me cheer up along with these gentlemen...

and

This guitar solo..I cannot explain what it does to me. It is gorgeous.

comfortably numb guitar

snowy monday.

All around a good day. I woke up a bit depressed but still got myself to the gym. I didnt enjoy yoga the way I usually do due to my mood but realized that I would have felt worse if I did not go so that's a plus. I did some cardio after that and finished The Help. 1 book down, 49 to go (for the year of 2011). I had therapy and let's just say weight exposure is not fun. It isnt a fun experience hearing your weight in a room with your therapist and her intern. I love them both but it's just...shaming for me. Somehow when talking about my weight and the thoughts that came up, we got to my childhood so I am seeing where the weight manipulation is coming into play.

I stopped by Half Price Books and dont even remember the name of the book I got. That reminds me, I also have to order my Fairburn book for CBT-E. Just what I want to spend my money on. I do know once I read it, it will be interesting. I need to get on that before L kicks my ass for not having it.

I met up with Sam and Molly at Caribou for $1 dark roast medium Mondays :) Sat and talked for about and hour and then I went out into the snow and got ingredients for soup (beans, sweet potato, carrot, lime, onion, garlic, tomatoes..) I also got spinach for a salad. A came over and helped me cook and picked up Easy A on the way because I wanted to see it. It got such praise by peers and I didnt find it all that great.

Peter left today for the Army. Im sad. I am going to miss him a lot and I just get so scared. I know the odds are in his favor. More people survive in the Army than pass away but it is a very scary time and sad for all of us.

Tomorrow I have an appt, then meeting Bobbi for coffee and Ill probably go to the gym around that time.

Things I am not looking forward to, but need to do:
-fold laundry and do another load
-buy Fairburn book

My stomach hurts...fuck you sucralose.

The Eight Irresistible Principles of Fun

The Eight Irresistible Principles of Fun

a must see!

January Exercise

Jan 1

1hr, 30min yoga

Jan 3

1hr, 15min yoga
35 min cardio

Jan 6
1hr yoga

Jan 7
1hr yoga
10min arc

Jan 9
1hr, 15min yoga

Jan 11
35min elliptical

Jan 13
20min elliptical
1hr yoga

Jan 15
35min cardio

Jan 16
1hr, 15min yoga
20min cardio

Jan 17
1 hr yoga

Jan 21
1hr yoga
30min cardio

Jan 23
75min yoga

Jan 24
30min cardio
1hr yoga

Jan 25
30 minutes circuit/yoga

Jan 26
25min cardio

Jan 27
1hr yoga

Jan 29
15min bouncing around my room doing various things (abs, legs)

Jan 30
1hr, 15min yoga

Jan 31
1hr yoga
Total: 20hr, 30min

recap 2010

The beginnings of new years are always exciting to me. There are so many possibilities and places to go. Two days before 2010 I was d/c from CFC and a lost wreck. Over the course of the year I have grown up. Am I still sick? Hell yes. Am I working harder than I ever have? Yes. I have taken on responsibility, I am fending for myself, and I know even though this is hard, I can handle it.

In 2010 I...
-solidified AMAZING relationships with the greatest people. Unfortunately the day we have been dreading is nearing. Peter is leaving for the Army on the 4th. Last night was really hard. I had a really hard time leaving the hotel, knowing I might not see him for a long time. One thing I will hold dear is when he looked at PJ and I and said, "You two are gorgeous. Dont ever stop."
-moved into my dream city. I live right by Lifetime, right by Caribou, the intersection of many major hwys and near all the city lakes. I love it. I have trouble with one roommate who is a dirty slob, but Ill get into that later.
-took my love for yoga into a deep, emotional, spiritual passion. I find myself when I am on my mat. I find peace in my soul. I can respect my body. This connection is something that is MINE. It is not tangible and cannot be taken away from me.
-felt intense love from my aunt and uncle. I always knew what great people they were, and this was confirmed one hundred times over.
-got a new job that I love doing.
-really expanded my horizons in regards to food. Living in Minneapolis is ideal for this. It is foodie heaven.
-gained weight.
-smiled the most since I have since probably high school.
-had sex with one person.
-SECURED my sobriety. I guard that like a mofo.
-deleted unhealthy people from my FB. awesome.
-learned I do not like soda as much as I thought I did.
-did not smoke a full cigarette. I got stressed probably twice and tried to smoke a cig and almost hacked up my lung so...

2010 was.