tired

I had a good workout today. I made it to the gym and had time to do 20min of cardio before yoga. Yoga was again, intense. Annie is so...bright and charismatic. The next class Ill make to of hers is unfortunately Sunday because her class Saturday is at 1pm and it doesnt work with my work schedule. Michelle and I are going to go to her class together on Monday (assuming it is still in place with the MLKjr holiday) and then out for a small lunch. I am suggesting we go to Bravo! for their vegetarian platters or Yum! I didnt make those exclamations up, they both really have them in the title. Yum! is a bit more expensive. Ive been there three times though and it is amazing. I get the ginger tuna burger but I want to try something else. It's quite the upbeat little place. I like it. I havent been to Bravo!, and its a good 20 minutes away. There is always French Meadow in Uptown.

Back to yoga--we did Dolphin Pushups. Holy smokes. Luckily Annie got down and did hers right by me. I know I would have "rested" if she didnt. They were so hard and each time I thought we were done doing them, she would fit them into another sequence. We can always go into forearm headstands whenever we go into Dolphin, but I held Dolphin today because it is such a good shoulder strengthener. Sometimes it is good to just stay where you are. Here are my war wounds from my pushups.I have them on both arms. It feels like a mix of rug burns/bruises.

I talked to Pj. She chose her ed over me. We wont be seeing much of each other. For a while at least. It is good. I know it makes having an eating disorder easier (being around her). It seems normalized and such. I dont want that. When I am around other friends I feel healthier.

Tomorrow I am working 2pm-8am. Then back Saturday at 2pm. Wahhhh.

respect

I spent most of the day with Pj yesterday. She got to my house later than she was supposed to and I asked "wtf were you doing?" and she responded with, "I stopped to get froyo." Since I had been to the gym and knew I should eat rather than risking getting to hungry I did (I also wanted to be a bit more frugal). I made a sandwich and had some milk and oj and within a half hour of her arrival we left. Our first stop was Costco. I got a soda there and she got...frozen yogurt. I would guess this was a 16oz. While we were shopping she had a few samples of things and thats when I started to think, "okay, maybe a normal person would be okay with this intake but I dont think Pj would be." I got a little worried but when she said, "I have to go to the bathroom," I knew that was my cue to assisst her so I was relieved and actually really happy for her. By the bathrooms, there was this huge breakroom. As we were in line to check out, right by the concession, she said, "I need coffee." and then said, "I bet they dont even have it here. Oh! I should go check the breakroom haha." After a bit, I thought to myself that she probably went to the bathroom but maybe not. I wasnt sure. We stopped a few other places and she would disappear in stores but I also am hyper aware to this behavior bc I always worry shes purging. At about 630 we got back to my place and after unloading and packing things up, she had about a cup or so of cottage cheese and I had some yogurt. About an hour later, I was hungry so I went down and made dinner, to which she had another cup of cottage cheese and then some oatmeal of mine. I went upstairs bc I had filtered water up there and you know, there was a great chance she yakked in my bathroom downstairs when I went up.

We drove together to Sensers and she got popcorn right away (free in baskets). Then another. She also got a little cup and washed it out to use as a bowl for dip. She went to the bathroom to wash it out and when she got back told me how the girls in there were looking at her weird. I got a basket as it neared 930. She got another. I ran to the bathroom bc I hate eating when I have to pee. I went in the handicap stall bc it was the only one open. There was an oil film on the water and pieces of popcorn in the toilet. Awesome. Too fucking awesome. I was pissed. I sat there thinking, "Fuck this. I should purge. This is NOT okay and not fair to me."

I asked Pj today not if she did, but how many times. She said, "1, sry" and hasnt talked to me since.

Needless to say, this is my commitment that I will distance myself from her. I have too many good friends to put up with this bullshit.

snowy monday.

All around a good day. I woke up a bit depressed but still got myself to the gym. I didnt enjoy yoga the way I usually do due to my mood but realized that I would have felt worse if I did not go so that's a plus. I did some cardio after that and finished The Help. 1 book down, 49 to go (for the year of 2011). I had therapy and let's just say weight exposure is not fun. It isnt a fun experience hearing your weight in a room with your therapist and her intern. I love them both but it's just...shaming for me. Somehow when talking about my weight and the thoughts that came up, we got to my childhood so I am seeing where the weight manipulation is coming into play.

I stopped by Half Price Books and dont even remember the name of the book I got. That reminds me, I also have to order my Fairburn book for CBT-E. Just what I want to spend my money on. I do know once I read it, it will be interesting. I need to get on that before L kicks my ass for not having it.

I met up with Sam and Molly at Caribou for $1 dark roast medium Mondays :) Sat and talked for about and hour and then I went out into the snow and got ingredients for soup (beans, sweet potato, carrot, lime, onion, garlic, tomatoes..) I also got spinach for a salad. A came over and helped me cook and picked up Easy A on the way because I wanted to see it. It got such praise by peers and I didnt find it all that great.

Peter left today for the Army. Im sad. I am going to miss him a lot and I just get so scared. I know the odds are in his favor. More people survive in the Army than pass away but it is a very scary time and sad for all of us.

Tomorrow I have an appt, then meeting Bobbi for coffee and Ill probably go to the gym around that time.

Things I am not looking forward to, but need to do:
-fold laundry and do another load
-buy Fairburn book

My stomach hurts...fuck you sucralose.