Im in a rut mood wise. Im not sure what is going on but I dont really like it.  My body has been freaking me out.  I think it started last with with Tamar as we started talking about my body. Instead of the art route which we used to do, we are now delving into body image work that really needs to be done but is so hard. R and I are going to go thrifting Saturday and I plan to get loose linen pants (yay warm weather!) and lots of dresses for the summer as well.  I dont need to torture myself in jeans when everytime I attempt to eat well my body swells up and holds as much water as a Culligan man.

 I gain anywhere from 6-8 pounds whenever I have ONE freaking day of healthy eating. I avoid salt, I drink water (or attempt, I usually have to remind myself quite a bit) and I work out. Still, I gain and the water gives me a belief that I am fat. I do think Im fat right now. I hate the way I look and yet, I am still trying to deal with it.  I cannot afford to lose weight. I cannot go back to that place, that hell, that torture.

I need a strategy for tomorrow. I need to set times I will eat because otherwise I end up putting it off and then I end up being ridic at night.