I spent most of the day with Pj yesterday. She got to my house later than she was supposed to and I asked "wtf were you doing?" and she responded with, "I stopped to get froyo." Since I had been to the gym and knew I should eat rather than risking getting to hungry I did (I also wanted to be a bit more frugal). I made a sandwich and had some milk and oj and within a half hour of her arrival we left. Our first stop was Costco. I got a soda there and she got...frozen yogurt. I would guess this was a 16oz. While we were shopping she had a few samples of things and thats when I started to think, "okay, maybe a normal person would be okay with this intake but I dont think Pj would be." I got a little worried but when she said, "I have to go to the bathroom," I knew that was my cue to assisst her so I was relieved and actually really happy for her. By the bathrooms, there was this huge breakroom. As we were in line to check out, right by the concession, she said, "I need coffee." and then said, "I bet they dont even have it here. Oh! I should go check the breakroom haha." After a bit, I thought to myself that she probably went to the bathroom but maybe not. I wasnt sure. We stopped a few other places and she would disappear in stores but I also am hyper aware to this behavior bc I always worry shes purging. At about 630 we got back to my place and after unloading and packing things up, she had about a cup or so of cottage cheese and I had some yogurt. About an hour later, I was hungry so I went down and made dinner, to which she had another cup of cottage cheese and then some oatmeal of mine. I went upstairs bc I had filtered water up there and you know, there was a great chance she yakked in my bathroom downstairs when I went up.
We drove together to Sensers and she got popcorn right away (free in baskets). Then another. She also got a little cup and washed it out to use as a bowl for dip. She went to the bathroom to wash it out and when she got back told me how the girls in there were looking at her weird. I got a basket as it neared 930. She got another. I ran to the bathroom bc I hate eating when I have to pee. I went in the handicap stall bc it was the only one open. There was an oil film on the water and pieces of popcorn in the toilet. Awesome. Too fucking awesome. I was pissed. I sat there thinking, "Fuck this. I should purge. This is NOT okay and not fair to me."
I asked Pj today not if she did, but how many times. She said, "1, sry" and hasnt talked to me since.
Needless to say, this is my commitment that I will distance myself from her. I have too many good friends to put up with this bullshit.
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yeah that's definitely not fair to you at all. so important to surround yourself with positive people.
ReplyDeleteThat is one of the things I lack when I am around her, positivity. Im really going to do my best to limit contact. I have SO many good friends and you know what? A lot of those friends are people I met in treatment, but we are POSITIVE about recovery and if we arent feeling it we explain why and seek support.
ReplyDeleteIt's not fair.. but try to remember when you did, well, the same thing. :/ Nonetheless, I think it's awesome you realize you need to distance yourself for YOU. I understand the anger, just remember when you've been in the same place.
ReplyDeleteThat's really hard. Seeing your own struggles in someone you love is one of the most painful things. It makes you sad, it makes you angry, it makes you hurt. It just hurts. I have had these feelings around my twin sister in ref to her ed, practically constantly. Anger was a big one for me for years. I couldn't feel anything but anger towards her for what she was doing to me.
ReplyDeleteIn retrospect I can see how hurt she was and how much my anger at her wasn't about her behaviors. It wasn't about me period. It was about me having a hard time dealing with emotions: anger, compassion, sadness, love, empathy.
I have gotten to a place where I feel a lot of compassion for my sister. Something I couldn't feel for years with her. I'm not perfect by any means and it still hurts like hell but I don't feel the anger like I used to.
*end ramble*
You will get to a place where other people's behaviors don't effect you so much emotionally, or behaviorally as motivation to hurt yourself. You will.
No matter what always do what you feel is right to protect yourself. You. Jodie. Not ed.
Distance is necessary sometimes and it is completely okay for you to ask for it.