Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Im fucked
I just realized Ive been trying to get better for my parents. I have this guilt riding over me because I was always the one who was going to get married first, have children first and that is no where in fucking sight for me. So I lied to myself and Ive been telling myself over and over that I want to get better. I want to get a job. I want to get married. I want kids. And I do want all those things. I really do want all of those things. But if I want them so badly I would fight harder. I want them, sure as hell I do. Im scared I will not get married and have children BECAUSE I want to give that to my parents. I want to show them I am recovered, I want to show them I am safe with another man, and I want to give them the great joy of grandchildren. I want to so badly watch them play with my little ones and I am scared that wont happen. I feel so guilty when I sit across from them. I dont want them to think they failed because they didnt. They were and are amazing parents. Somewhere along the line I fucked up (please, nobody mention I am didnt. I know I am not a fuck up, but I did fuck up. Fact.). I hate that they might hurt for what they are missing. I am so afraid of my parents dying. Terrified. Is it my biggest fear? Yes. Do I think I can handle life without them? No. Could I get by, pay the bills, etc? Of course. Could I mentally and emotionally move on? No. And that reason is because there is so much I have left undone for them. There is so much unfinished business I would have. I need to recover. I need to give them the security of a long term stable job. I need to show them I am safe. I have a family if anything should happen. I need to show them the joy of having grandchildren. I need to show them they were successful in raising me.
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Have you told them this? Tell them sweet girl..
ReplyDeleteYou are not "fucked".. but, you will not get better this way. We know I am the queen of getting better for the wrong reasons. I did it for.. "them".. always. You saw it more than anyone as it bit me in the ass, hard.
ReplyDeleteHow do I know that this time it's really for me? Well, the main person I got better for is no longer in my life. I don't have gymnastics to hold over my head, and no one will yank me out of law school unless I'm like 70 lbs or something. While I want to have children, that is NO WHERE in the near future. I wanted it all too.. I relate. I wanted to get married b/c I wanted my parents to see me, b/c I wanted my grandma to see one of us get married. I want, desperately, for my parents to raise grandchildren. But only when I'm ready. And now, I'm NOT. But, I'm still fighting.
I wish I could give advice as to how I finally came to this clarity, but really, I wouldn't even WANT anyone to go through the hell I did to get there. But, I hope you do.