...move onto the next blog you read.
I talked to Lex about this. Can I be in denial if I know I am in denial? I dont know the answer to be honest.
When I was really sick, I couldnt work, hold commitments or keep anything down. Currently, I am still trying to eat and eat in the mornings-afternoon quite often. I havent lost weight. I am maintaining around 130,I go to yoga, I meet up with friends, I visit friends and family, I work--I work A LOT. But have I relapsed? I dont know. I do know. I can type the words, "I have relapsed" but they mean nothing to me. I cannot accept them. I have been b/ping an average of 4 times a day which is not too stellar. I do not feel as sick as I have in the past and being an all or nothing person, since I am not on death's door, I am not sick. My bones aren't showing. Im not sick. My face isnt sunken in. I am not sick. Im working. I am not sick. I have amazing friends I see a lot. I am not sick.
But I don't think this is recovery either.
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all judgement aside it does sound like you're struggling. i hate the lingo surrounding EDs it drives me nuts including the word relapse. although you are functioning this doesn't mean you aren't sick, whatever your weight it does not mean you're not sick...EDs are sneaky and manipulative things and i just hope you can see things as they are and be proud of your victories and evaluate where and when you struggle without judgment from YOU and decide what you want to do about it. it's in you. i'm not sure what 'recovery' is either....i think it looks different for everyone. i hope this is not your recovery i hope for very much more for you. keep fighting. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you. Ive had periods where my habits for minimal and I was HAPPY. I do believe in full recovery. I know I can get there, I know HOW to get there, I am just scared as hell.
ReplyDeleteNo judgment. I can't even think of the words "recovery" "relapse" and "sick".. ok, I can admit that I relapsed last April, but when did that REALLY start? I mean, I was a pretty big mess before I finally gave in and yakked. And when did I start "recovery"? I mean, the time between when I even decided I wanted to try again and the time it took me to ACTUALLY try and actually have ONE day w/o purging was a fairly long time. And am I "sick" now? ...Well, we all know how I feel about THAT word..
ReplyDeleteI'm living the best I can. Some days that's better than others. AM I trying? Sometimes. Most times. So maybe I'm stuck in the same boat. I know I relapsed... a while ago. Recovery scares me and it seems so.. idk, cheesy. I'm not one for cheese (in the metaphorical sense).. so, I'm trying to live better. That's all I've got.