ah man, really?

Ah fack. Here is the anxiety that comes in and the uneasiness my behaviors calm. However, this is what I expected and pledged I would carry myself through. Ive been using some DBT skills. "There is tightness in my stomach. My breath is shallow. My thoughts are leading towards food. And those are thoughts that I do will not act upon. This will end and I will get to the other side of the urge." I used mouthwash because brushing usually helps--I needed the mint flavor. Gum does not help in this situation because of the chewing action. Im also listening to Eva Cassidy's True Colors. It was on American Idol. This song always moves me.

After my difficult thoughts last night, I went to bed. I laid in bed and began to get very uncomfortable. I was weak. My left arm hurt. I was sweating. I was cold. I began to get scared. I had just purged a lot. I began crying, mourning what I have gone through. I have been so mean to myself. I have wreaked havoc on my poor body and soul. I have put my parents through a lot of sadness and frustration. And I realized, "If I want to make them happy and be where I am not, thinking about that is not going to get me there. If I want to please them, I can get myself happy. And this is NOT happy." I cried. I cried for the fear of my parents death. I cried because I put myself through hell and for what reason? My chest began to hurt. I had chest pains. I grabbed my stuffed animal that I have had since I gave up diapers. I knew I couldnt drive myself to the ER a mere 3 miles away. I wouldnt make it. My energy was zapped. I considered waking Kate to tell her I was calling an EMT. If I wasnt dying, I would at least get electrolytes replaced in the ER. My reasoning to grab my toy was to have it, and give my parents the security and comfort knowing that I passed holding BooToo. I have wrappers in my room, hidden in my closet that I needed to take out in the morning. I considered running that out and hoping Id make it so it would not be found when they found me.

Looking back, I am not 100% sure, but I attest these symptoms to what was most likely a panic/anxiety attack. At one point, I had convulsed my body extremely hard and said, "Get the fuck out of me." I was referring to my eating disorder, the negative and detrimental thoughts that swarm through my head daily. It was a hard night, yes. And I got through it. I woke up this morning with urges yet went to meet my friend at Caribou like we had planned and said "Fuck you" as I ate my Earnest bar.