ahhhh

It's my Friday. It always feels good walking out of work knowing it was my last day of my work week. I love my Monday and Tuesday off days. At the same time I dread everyday. I am not doing well with time of any sort. I see the clock and dont know how Im going to make it through "x many more hours" b/p free. Im honestly thinking I might need to just avoid looking at clocks but that is damn near impossible with the amount of times I look at my phone when receiving a text or call. I also have my "to-do" list on there, as well as other lists. I have random reminders here and there that alert me. I guess another good idea, so that I wouldnt have to think about hunger or fullness and times to eat, is to take a treatment approach since I am having trouble with it. After I eat breakfast, I could set up time intervals on my phone to alert me when it is the next scheduled time. I spend so much time calculating in my head when I ate, how many more hours are in the day, how I should spread my meals out in those hours, what Im going to eat, am I hungry, am I still full? If I was in treatment, none of those questions would really matter because when it is time to eat, I had to eat. If I am full, I am unable to know if it is purely physical or if emotions is playing a role and the same goes for hunger.

As nice as having days off of work is, I also dread it because of the impending doom of the b/p that is laying over my head. Im meeting with Sam tomorrow for coffee and yoga. This is turning into our Monday morning routine. It is cute. Annie teaches tomorrow. I mostly only go to her classes but will go to someone else's when Annie's does not fit into my day's events. Michelle is in class until 4 and is then coming over and we are heading to Macy's at the Nicollet Mall to see the Christmas display: A Day in the Life of an Elf. Im assuming, if she has no plans, we will stay around there for a while. Nicollet mall has a lot of shops as well as entertainment and dining.

I feel like I am really establishing my life up here in the cities, finally. Over the past few years I have done so much bouncing around, moving from place to place, treatment center to treatment center, boyfriend to boyfriend, friends to friends. Now however, I feel some sense of stability. Of course, I would love to have more. I know that would come with eliminating the b/p cycle. That is what makes me feel the most unsettled. However, finally, all of MY life is in one area. I have great friends all within 10/15 minutes of me, all of my mail and accounts are officially this address (for a long time I had to keep them as my parents' address because I was bouncing around so much and going into treatments so often), I am a face at the gym and yoga (esp yoga), I have my coffee shop that I frequent and hold conversations with my favorite baristas, I talk to the managers at Rainbow when I go get groceries and compliment them on their friendly service, my treatment team is within 10 minutes of driving, my friends and I have our weekly traditions and we all freak out to classic rock, I work 10 minutes away from my house...the one thing throwing off my zen is the eating disorder. I know this, it is no shock to me and I can say that i am ready to let go and I am just going to deal with those feelings. I am not dense. It is and is not that simple.

Transitioning, I am officially beginning CBT-E (Enhanced Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) on Tuesday when I meet with Laura. I have been told I am going to want to quit, I am going to want to run away and avoid therapy. I have been told it is a very hard process and most clients hate it because of the in depth look at what is going on to create these thought processes. It is a very linear therapy. I did this, I was here, I thought this. The patterns are tracked. On top of it being hard, I have the most loving/harsh hardass therapist of all time in the history of ever. I am ready for this. I am excited for this. I am scared as heck for this.

Things that will be different:
-I will not see Hilary (OT) or Sarah (RD) while I am in CBT-E (20-40 sessions of CBT-E)
-I will see Laura 2x/wk
-I will practice normal eating and not be on a meal plan
-I will be weighed before my appointment with Laura and she will tell me my weight and we will talk about it, right there, in the moment
-I will graph my weight with Laura so that I can see the trend. If it goes up, I am possibly emotionally eating(I mean, I guess if i am eating and then b/ping possibly too), if it goes down, I am most likely b/ping or emotionally restricting out of fear. My restriction is out of fear, my b/ping is out of anxiety (usually).
-I will have food/thoughts records. On these sheets I will write down the time, where I was, what I ate, any bx used and the thoughts. This is one of the most dreaded aspects of CBT-E. I will have to focus on my feelings/thoughts immediately following eating. These need to be done in real time (also realistically what is doable) so the thought patterns recorded are most accurate.

It should be (a good) intense.

who knows if ill keep up with this. i never do. this month, im starting this mainly for me. im going to use it as a way to keep track of my behaviors and such. DBT nerd.

At 6pm I woke up from a nap and began to cook dinner. I was really anxious and wanted it to cook faster so I could begin eating. Whilst eating I kept thinking about how I wanted to binge and how I could after because I just, well, could. There was nothing stopping me. Kate was leaving and I would be home alone. I thought about how the goal is to not use symptoms. This time I acted on my anxiety and the fact that I had an opportunity.

Behavior Chain

*Fell asleep watching The United States of Tara
*Napping is nice but reminds me of being depressed and I use it as avoidance. This felt like I was using it to pass the time because I kept thinking about food.
*I ate lunch and was proud of myself for having such a well rounded, balanced, someone new lunch.
*I was putting off eating. It was nearing 3pm and I hadnt eaten lunch.
*I met the girls (Rachel and Ashley) for a walk around Lake Harriet. I saw my body in a reflection amongst leaving the lake and going to Linden Hills.
*I compared myself a lot to Rachel and Ashley because they are thinner than me. I did have a great time with them.
*I was going to put off eating snack until after the lake but I did it before leaving. I felt guilty because I put cream in my coffee. My ED was giving me hell for it so I counted it as a fat tally even though Elizabeth told me not to. I agreed to be flexible but I felt out of control and dirty from it, so I counted it toward meal plan.
*Kate came home from yoga. I felt lazy and gross and ashamed that I had not been to the gym in a long time. I was jealous that she had gone to yoga and scared that she would have a better body than me.
*I had eaten a healthy breakfast. One of my favs (oatmeal w/almonds and fresh fruit) and felt okay with that. I did feel gross that I finished my diet mt dew and had it with breakfast.
*I got to bed late the night before and slept in until 10am. I had spent the night b/ping and REALLY went wild. I spent a lot of money that I dont even have. I went from fast food drive thrus to ice cream shops and gas stations to purge. It felt just like "the old times" and it scared me. I also felt so guilty and lazy that I let myself do that. Because of this I canceled on Kathy and Logan for the paper route. I rationalized it because I am working the Warped Tour tomorrow.
*I left Melrose knowing full well that I was going to b/p. I didnt necessarily have strong physical urges. I made the decision in my head and once I do that its so hard to go back on it. I need help with this.
*I got a dinner I wanted at Melrose. I am glad I did and it tasted good *spinach and cheese ravioli w/alfredo sauce*
*I had a difficult morning. I had urges all morning and after lunch I used symptoms. I had trouble keeping myself at Melrose after that because I felt ill and my blood sugars were really low. Ashamed.

I dont really feel like Im getting anywhere with this. I cant pinpoint why it happened and that pisses me off. I know there is always a reason. Even if its just "i decided to," there is a reason I just decided to. I think a lot of it has to do with the way Hecksel has been treating me, and me taking it personally because I admit, I do like her. I want her to accept me and I want her confirmation that I am a good person and right now Im not getting that :/

Tomorrow is Aug 1st. Well technically it is Aug 1st right now. Its the beginning of the new month. I am not going to make it a goal to not use symptoms in August. Instead, my goal for August is to take each day as it comes. Make a goal each day that I will do what I can. I will do the best I can. And I will choose recovery.

Yay Im connecting with more people on here which is always nice. I need to start journalling more. I prefer my paper journal but sometimes the words come so quickly and I cannot get them down on paper quick enough.

Im in IP and have been here for a week. I dont think I will stay much longer but I will figure it out today after treatment planning. I just pray I dont hear the words, "We will reassess next week." I want a date. But I also want to stay for as long as they think I need. At this point I dont know whats best. Ive learned that my way hasnt been the right way. It has not been working. I am trying not to have any influence in their decision making. I want to let the professionals do that for me.

Jebus.

"Have you ever considered residential?"

No. Never.

I get the recommendation and all that but I have to give this a go when I get out of Melrose. Im not going to immediately go for residential because if that were the case I know I would discharge myself today and use sx until I went. This way, I have to at least try while Im here. Im so proud of JM. She is doing so well here and trying to get into CFC. I recommended it to her and Im not worried about her at all. It is such a great place and I know she will do amazing there.

I totally, finally, went to the bathroom (BM) today. Thank you GOD. Seriously. 7 days here eating with no movement was rough. Who knows when I went before I came in. Probably a few weeks.

Dad is coming tonight for a CE (cafeteria experience) and all I want is a damn diet soda!! That'd be so good right now. Diet Dr Pepper or Diet Mt Dew. Im going to limit it when I leave (i think) but damnit I want one right now.

Thats all, I got nothing.

"DBT. What the fuck is that?!? Its some Oprah bullshit."
-L

hmm decisions

Things are going well today. Breakfast and snack were good today. For snack I had granola and PEACH yogurt, my fav. I met with Laura today. Ive seen her on and off since 2004. Ive been thinking a lot about what to do when I leave here. Im a little upset with The Emily Program. I dont think I would have ever gotten to this bad of a place if I was at Melrose. I would have had more medical monitoring and I dont think my symptoms would have gotten so out of control. There would have been an intervention sooner. Dont get me wrong, I know this is my issue, I need to take responsibility for myself but at some point I think we all need help. I needed someone to tell me I didnt have to live this way, that they wanted to help me. I need help at times to see things more clearly. I still want to work with Tamar, that is one person I dont want to leave. Im scared to leave there but I think I just need something a little more strict. At The Emily Program, *my* team has allowed me to get really sick. I have always had to take the initiative and I know thats good, but at some point I think someone needs to aid in my decision and suggest I get further help. Also, I asked for it a few times and got told that DBT was the answer. Of course its helpful but not when my nutrition is so poor that I cant f*cking think.

Anyway....

Things are progressing. Not all things. I got here Thursday and I still havent *ahem* gone to the bathroom. Surprisingly I havent had any pain from it. Blood pressure and heart rate a little low still so I cannot do any strength classes.

Thats all for now I suppose. I got nothing.

monday monday

Ive had a little bit of a rough morning. My breakfast and AM snack were big. I know I planned it that way and that my meals will be smaller now so thats good. Ive already had 4 grains today so from Lunch to PM snack I will only have to have 3. Such a relief. I like getting it out of the way in the morning but then it makes it a little bit more difficult because I feel so full in the morning. So maybe I will work on spreading it out a bit more.

I havent met with my T or RD yet which is weird. I would like to know who I at least see. I did see my RD briefly Thursday. Today is treatment team so I will find out my estimated length of stay, if I get any Cafeteria Experiences and Open Cafes, also if I get any passes. I doubt I will get any passes because Ive been here before so I know what to expect when I leave. They give passes to people who have never been here before. My friend Jacci is here too and maybe leaving soon which I dont want her to. She is planning on going residential and I would like her to stay here until she does go. Shes so hilarious.

I did my first cryptogram today and I loved it. I am addicted already. Love it!!

mind playing tricks?

Things are going okay. Im getting anxious about the weight thing already. I just started on full portions today and can already feel the difference in fullness. That fullness in my stomach gets my ass, stomach, legs and arms feeling fat automatically. I am trying to be logical about this but I really dont believe that I havent gained a ton of weight already. I feel like I am at a good weight and it should be left at that. I know that I was achieving my weight in an unhealthy way but part of me still thinks its an okay weight, I just need to maintain it in a healthier way. Sometimes I think my thinking might be slightly illogical but right now I do not think that. I think things are just fine, that I could leave IP and be okay right now but THAT I know is not the case. Im really scared to leave because I dont want to go back to the ED but Im also trying to stay in the present moment.

Right now we are watching "Confessions of a Shopaholic," a movie we could not watch at CFC. I read all the books in the series. I know the movie isnt going to be as good, that I can already tell.

I dont know how long I will be here. Tomorrow is treatment planning so I guess I will get an idea then. I am guessing Ill be here until at least Sunday. Who knows if they will keep me past that. It seems like a lot of people are leaving after 10 days which is such a stupid thing. Unless you have a lot of weight to gain, they dont think you need to be here. All I am going to is 12 hours of DBT. I dont know if I will work. I dont like my job and I really think I need something that is not around food and something that gives me more meaning in my life. On the other hand its good money for doing basically nothing.

Just went to get food Angela and I set up for me to get. We made a list of what I will eat this weekend and what I needed to get. Of course I can swap things here and there. But I got

-bagel thins
-tuna pouches
-steamed veggies
-yogurt (actually just got Yoplait instead of Fage)
-Powerade Zero
-20oz Sprite Zero and new Pepsi Max flavor
-turkey single serving and honey ham single serving deli meat (sale for $0.35 each!!! and dont expire until April 25th)

And I spent $12. I am a bomb ass shopper, lol.

I woke up this morning and felt sick. (Bryce is downstairs playing piano right now ) I struggled to get out of bed but got up and felt better after I drank my tea. I saw Tamar at nine and had a great session. I tried to explain to her how awful I feel in the mornings. I feel dirty, internally. I crawl out of my skin. I thought maybe I could get it out on paper so I could see it visually and she suggested I try making something relating to how I would *like* to feel in the morning. After I was done she asked to hold it up for me to look at. I felt anxious looking at it. I had a hollow, heavy, butterfly feeling in the deepest part of my stomach. Ironically, what I drew was exactly how I feel in the morning. Its waves crashing, thunder clouds rolling...I left it there. I didnt want to bring it with me. After the appt I went to the gym across from TEP. The ambulance was coming. PJ and I always joke its a client of TEP at the gym or some other damn ED chick Its the 2nd time Ive seen one there. Showered up and PJ met me outside of Lifetime and gave me the tea she got me. I was running low and THEN spilled water in my purse ruining ALL of my sweet & spicy tea that I live off of. She got me some. Such a sweetie. We swap food and little gifts all the time. Its cute. I got some of our favorite PB the other day and realized I didnt really feel safe keeping it around the house. its Parkers brand. Very good. So when we met up for Bucko as usual on Tuesday night I pulled a tub of PB out of my purse for her, LOL. I got her 2 of the protein bars I love. She gets me yogurt and oatmeal. I got her this little chicken that lays (gumball) eggs. I get her Fage when I buy it. Its cute. Everyday we send each other a text and its always like "I got you a gift!" About 2 weeks ago I decided I needed to spend less time with her and now that I have our relationship has gotten better/healthier and the time we do spend together we are very healthy and supportive of each ones recovery. We have snacks together (rarely lunch or dinner bc we are both trying to spend money so we dont eat out), we go for short walks together, we talk about skills we've used, we text each other if we feel urgy just to get the thoughts out (tell on ourselves) and we laugh SO MUCH together. We spend a short amount of time talking about our EDs (recovery moreso) and the rest of the time we are together its a genuine friendship based on similarities. I feel so lucky to have found her. We think the same, we finish each other's sentences. Its quite cute. I got two Easter Eggs and I want to fill them will something cute but I havent figured out what yet. We are very simple people so it doesnt need to be anything extravagant.

I met Angela and she said a few things that scared me.
"Your body is going to give out quicker and quicker each time you do this to yourself."
"...years of abuse..."
"This isnt enough."
"How long do you think you can survive on this?"

I guess I dont think Im struggling that much but then at other times I realize how hard its been lately. I was lying in bed the other night and lying there felt like it took too much energy out of me. I know Im being cruel to my body. Work really helps. I want energy when Im there. I think DBT is going to help me SO much. I know learning these skills in depth is what I need. I know everything about ED recovery lol. What I need to learn is how to sit through the distress, the panic I feel. I need to recognize it and deal with it. I need to quit avoiding it. Im eating in all my sessions now (usually 5x/week-Angelax2, Helenex2, Tamarx1). I'll also try to eat something in DBT, that is, if we get a break which Im sure we will since its 12-4.

I came home and did some stupid stuff. Read in bed. Fell asleep. Read some more. Freaked out bc I needed to move around so I left the house and wasted time because work called me off today. I honestly dont think I would have been much use there today. I was physically exhausted, emotionally and mentally fatigued and just out of it.

Going to try and finish this book this weekend...

Wow..Im so glad yesterday is over. I dont know what was wrong. I woke up and went to see Helene. The roads were AWFUL so I had to leave early. I still managed to call Alexis on the way (friend who was on home pass from CFC). Im going to miss talking to her but hopefully she is only there for another month or so. Appt with Helene was good. I think it was just me processing out loud and confirming to myself I can recover. I lied at check in and said I ate breakfast which I didnt. When Angela asked me about it I confessed right away. I know I cannot start lying. I did purge slightly (what is slightly, its still a purge, yes?) when I left early at 330 for work training. I just felt dizzy and unbalanced all day and for some reason I thought this would help?? Anyway, I went to work and filled out paper work. After that I did have fleeting suicidal thoughts. Im not sure why. I just feel so overwhelmed with everything. $$ especially. I dont know what is going to get me through the next 3 weeks. I have paid bills and paid rent and I just have NO money. None. I have about $30 to get me through the month. I am taking 2 pairs of my boots to Plato's but I dont officially start working until March. I also got out my 3 prom dresses that I am going to try and sell on CL because they are very classic and can still be worn. I came home and finally ate dinner around 8. I was going to go to the conditioning class at 7 and feel lazy because I didnt go. Im still struggling with that. And because I purged I am choosing to not go to the gym today. Angela and I set up that if I purge I cannot go to the gym the next day. As much as I want to ignore that I know that if I am choosing recovery I need to stay away from there today. My legs feel awful...like they are melting? Gross. I dont have any food so I dont know if I will get breakfast in today :( Being this broke is scary.

This morning I went to EP and met with Tamar. We had a really good session. Really good. Im so glad I have her in my life. I went downstairs and ate breakfast and waited until 1045 when I met with my GP. We didnt change anything. BP, HR fine...
IDP was fine today. We had Art Therapy and Intimacy Group and I like both of those. I had case management and Ill probably be in IDP for another month or so. I left early to go to my interview and I got the job Ill be working in the Childrens Department of a gym. Didnt eat my snack like I had planned to do and wait straight to No Limits Circuit. It was hard because muscles in my legs were aggravated again and feel pulled. I did the class I just didnt do the lunges as low as I usually do. I was going to stay for the 1/2 hour core class afterwards but I knew that would be excessive so I left. Went to the store to get a few things for tonight and tomorrow. I bought tofu but bought the wrong kind so it didnt turn out when I made it. I didnt buy extra firm and thats what I wanted. Looks like Ill be bringing tuna tomorrow for IDP lunch. S made ham tonight so I could take a piece of that I suppose...put that on a salad and keep the tuna for a wrap or something this weekend.

I looked up a few books for my book club and we are deciding between 5 that I picked. I really hope Piece of Cake or Hunger Games win.

I ate dinner and didnt eat enough. (salad w/ham & a yogurt) so I tried to eat 2 of the biscuits B & S had with dinner to get my grains in and that led to a b/p Im really ashamed about it and scared. I dont want it to get out of control again. I am going to really have to process this and see what happened, what triggered it, how I could have stopped it, what I can do next time, etc. This is not going to happen again.

Tomorrow should be a good day. I have IDP from 8-3 and then Ill do a light/easy workout and then my lil brother has a bball game and Im riding with B&S. My parents will be there as well. Ill prolly stay for the varisty game if my parents do just to kill time. I also wanna go to walmart or target and get some art supplies. I committed to Tamar that if I had urges I would use art at least 3 times. I guess tonight did not count since I didnt even think of that. It really caught me off guard. Urgh. Im annoyed with myself.

Today is my first full day out of CFC. I left yesterday and did well after I left. I successfully ate my meals and didnt do any exercise other than walking around. I went to In n Out burger for dinner and got a hamburger and vanilla milkshake and although the anxiety was so high I barely tasted it, it went well and I was successful in my endeavor.

Today was a bit more difficult. I used symptoms in more ways than one and i need to be honest about it with my Dad tomorrow. I woke up and ate breakfast late which was okay. I packed my lunch and headed to Orem to do some things and came upon some Powerade Zero which I rationalized and drank. I drank too much of it and used it in a way I used diet soda in the past...to fill up. I knew it was wrong yet I did it. I confessed to Torey when I went to say goodbye to her and it was sad. She warned me to not drink anything sugar free. I have one or two left in my car and I will get rid of them tomorrow.

Tonight I went out with Devon and some friends and we went out after I had already eaten dinner and snack. They ordered appetizers and I figured I could have some because I was slightly hungry. We had sweet potato fries and mozz sticks. I couldnt stop once I started and then went to the bathroom to purge. Devon knew and this carried on to the evening when I made an excuse to leave and when I did I b/p. I dont get any relief from it. I did notice a drastic drop in my anxiety but the guilt and remorse I felt as Mac and Torey popped into my head was overwhelming. I told them I would honor them through recovery and that is not what I did. Tomorrow will be different. I will start up on track and keep uit going throughout the day. I will tell Dad about the slip up I had and I know it will scare him. It scares me. I already jumped the gun and was like "Well, I guess Ill be going back to CFC" but I know it doesnt have to be like that. I have school to look forward to. I need to do well so I can come back to Utah and go to school. No more of this ED crap. Tomorrow Im going to wake up and eat breakfast and I am going to do what I have to do. Its so hard. My body image is crap. I feel so sloppy and fat but I know thats all illusions.

I had a good night and I am mad I ruined it. We went out with Devon and Devan and two of their friends. I really like one of them, Justin, and Im upset that I ruined the evening. I guess I didnt ruin it. It was still a good evening. I just tainted it with giving power to the stupid eating disorder.