Today is my first full day out of CFC. I left yesterday and did well after I left. I successfully ate my meals and didnt do any exercise other than walking around. I went to In n Out burger for dinner and got a hamburger and vanilla milkshake and although the anxiety was so high I barely tasted it, it went well and I was successful in my endeavor.

Today was a bit more difficult. I used symptoms in more ways than one and i need to be honest about it with my Dad tomorrow. I woke up and ate breakfast late which was okay. I packed my lunch and headed to Orem to do some things and came upon some Powerade Zero which I rationalized and drank. I drank too much of it and used it in a way I used diet soda in the past...to fill up. I knew it was wrong yet I did it. I confessed to Torey when I went to say goodbye to her and it was sad. She warned me to not drink anything sugar free. I have one or two left in my car and I will get rid of them tomorrow.

Tonight I went out with Devon and some friends and we went out after I had already eaten dinner and snack. They ordered appetizers and I figured I could have some because I was slightly hungry. We had sweet potato fries and mozz sticks. I couldnt stop once I started and then went to the bathroom to purge. Devon knew and this carried on to the evening when I made an excuse to leave and when I did I b/p. I dont get any relief from it. I did notice a drastic drop in my anxiety but the guilt and remorse I felt as Mac and Torey popped into my head was overwhelming. I told them I would honor them through recovery and that is not what I did. Tomorrow will be different. I will start up on track and keep uit going throughout the day. I will tell Dad about the slip up I had and I know it will scare him. It scares me. I already jumped the gun and was like "Well, I guess Ill be going back to CFC" but I know it doesnt have to be like that. I have school to look forward to. I need to do well so I can come back to Utah and go to school. No more of this ED crap. Tomorrow Im going to wake up and eat breakfast and I am going to do what I have to do. Its so hard. My body image is crap. I feel so sloppy and fat but I know thats all illusions.

I had a good night and I am mad I ruined it. We went out with Devon and Devan and two of their friends. I really like one of them, Justin, and Im upset that I ruined the evening. I guess I didnt ruin it. It was still a good evening. I just tainted it with giving power to the stupid eating disorder.