Im in a rut mood wise. Im not sure what is going on but I dont really like it.  My body has been freaking me out.  I think it started last with with Tamar as we started talking about my body. Instead of the art route which we used to do, we are now delving into body image work that really needs to be done but is so hard. R and I are going to go thrifting Saturday and I plan to get loose linen pants (yay warm weather!) and lots of dresses for the summer as well.  I dont need to torture myself in jeans when everytime I attempt to eat well my body swells up and holds as much water as a Culligan man.

 I gain anywhere from 6-8 pounds whenever I have ONE freaking day of healthy eating. I avoid salt, I drink water (or attempt, I usually have to remind myself quite a bit) and I work out. Still, I gain and the water gives me a belief that I am fat. I do think Im fat right now. I hate the way I look and yet, I am still trying to deal with it.  I cannot afford to lose weight. I cannot go back to that place, that hell, that torture.

I need a strategy for tomorrow. I need to set times I will eat because otherwise I end up putting it off and then I end up being ridic at night.

I made 3 days this week without bping. Yesterday was a whirlwind of emotions. I woke up and from the minute I did my mood was weak. I felt bad for putting R through it but I guess the truth is, if he chose to stay with me yesterday when I offered to go home bc of my mood, it is his choice. It was a nice day though. We were out and about and then at night went out with some friends. I was so bloated/distended and was miserable. My legs were bulging out of my jeans and I just need to not wear jeans for a while. Anyway, although it was fun, I lost a chunk of time. I lost a big chunk of time because I ate sweet potato fries and Ill admit, in the way I ate them, it was bingy. It was not a binge however. I went to the bathroom to purge, and it would have been the first time around him and I couldnt do it. I was so nervous and felt so guilty so I didnt. Im really struggling with my body at the moment. I think Im going to go out and get some dresses for this spring/summer so while I am adjusting again, I dont have to worry about jeans.

back to the blog

*disclaimer* I got really upset tonight and I tried journaling but it wouldnt come so I did what I could and wrote Tamar who had written me an email today after our session...

Thank you Tamar. I wish I would have answered too. Unfortunately, or good for me, I was sleeping. I was going to go to yoga but I just couldnt really do anything but sleep. Im just going to write a bit because I want you to hear these thoughts as they are present because other times, I have trouble verbalizing them. I hate this. I hate it. I dont fight it unless it is going well. If urges are not present, I will eat and keep it in. If urges creep in, I throw in the towel and I give in right away because it is so comforting. I hate myself. I hate that I am lying to everyone, even myself! I still think Im doing well most of the time. Well, just because things are as they were before, that doesnt mean I am doing well. Ive come out of that denial a bit because I can verbalize it to you. Nonetheless, I HATE who I am when I am an eating disorder. I am a liar. I am a walking lie. I walk into TEP and hope that when Angela and Helene see me they think I am doing well because my body is heavier. I am just as sick though arent I? Why am I just coming to terms with this and WHY am I allowing it? What is going on inside of me that I brought myself back to this horrifying way to "experience" life? I told my mom and she said that I am the stronger one but guess what Tamar? Im not. There is no way I am stronger than this monster living in my head. There is no way to compete with it. It runs through my veins, it is in my brain, it consumes everything. I am dirty. I know Ive said it before and I still feel it; I am internally dirty/gross. The other thing she told me was to "kick it in the ass," which at least lightened the mood.

Tamar, does the answer of "Why cant I fight these thoughts," lie inside of me? I feel like I need an answer. Im tired. I am exhausted from fighting and always losing. Why would I keep putting myself up against something that will always win? Why humiliate myself like that time after time? I guess I believe there is a way out of this. I fear that I dont have what it takes to really take a stand. You know why else I hate myself currently? I say these things over and over. Every year I "want help," and every year I tell myself "I can do this, I just need to do A, B and C. Thats the answer!" What if there is no answer? Im so close to admitting defeat. Im so close to the edge. The louder the voice gets and the more I pay attention to it, the closer I get to wanting to lose weight, wanting to start laxatives again, start purging water, cutting..all those things I let go of, they are all so close to the surface. If that happens, then the drinking has a good chance of popping up and then..I dont know if I am strong enough to live with all of those in my life again and I DO want to live. I really do. I really want recovery. I hate the way I have let the ED back in so strongly.

As someone who knows me WELL, what is your perception of me? Am I doing a well job of hiding my demons from the world?

You can read this and delete it, you dont need to respond. I tried to journal right now because I got very upset and when I tried to journal I couldnt. I could however write to you. Maybe I wanted someone to just hear me.

*edited to add: "Well, just because things are as they were before"....paragraph 2. Fruedian slip?

Yoga today was great. A announced that she is going on vacay for 2 weeks She did say, "I hate telling you guys these things bc I dont want you to get attachment issues..." She is so right. Everyone LOVES her.

The gym was hard today. Maybe I should just say the morning was hard. I fell back asleep after getting a call from work at 6am. I missed my L appt. Not cool. I needed to be there, especially with the weight thing. Since I didnt get to the appt I weighed myself instead. Stupid. DUMB. Anyway, that morning followed me and I was a crabby mofo. I said nasty things to everyone (in my head) who passed by me. People would walk past me and I'd think, "Nice hair asshole." Awesome. way to project insecurity

Work was good I suppose. Texted w/B (from 'bou) a bit and then Andy texted to let me know we have unfinished business and we arent done with our relationship. News to me. I told PJ and all she replied with was, "If I dream about him I'ma kill myself." Love her.

Tomorrow Im meeting B to hang out before I have yoga. He is working out at 9 and I have yoga at noon so we are going to meet at the gym around 11 and hang out in the cafe. Then work. Whoopdefuckingdo.

recap of the past few days

My life is a joke at times. I havent updated in a bit so here are a few main points.


*I had an amazing food day Monday. No sx use. I saw "The Dilemma." It was okay.
*I feel as though I am gaining, again. I swear to God...
*B & J teamed up against B at work (autistic) and have attempted to get him to do sexual things. Poor B does not understand that this isnt safe. He doesnt know better.
*The guy I like from 'bou apparently moved here for rehab. And would like a friends w/benefits situation. I always attract the winners. Im growing up though and respecting myself; I told him that would not be happening.
*A and I decided to hook up on Vday. Whatever. He was amazing and I still miss "him."

Seriously..omg...gaining. I swear to God I will go fucking crazy. I didnt workout Tuesday and actually for the whole month of Feb thus far I have been slacking. Time to kick it up a notch. Im going to go after work and then tomorrow after my L appt I will do some cardio and yoga at noon. I have Saturday off of work because my little sister has her dance performance. I am so excited. She also choreographed this year so it should be really fun to watch her.

Met up with Samantha yesterday. I love my Halfie. She is so amazing. I cannot wait until we can walk to the coffee shop together. We live less than a block away from each other. Im so excited for this summer with her. She is amazing.

My roommate N honestly says one word to me when I see her. Im fucking sick of her. She is a stuck up little cunt. Yes, yes she is. Excuse my language. I am going to talk to L tomorrow about it and see what she thinks. I know she will tell me to talk to her about it but honestly, I dont even want to go that far. If the stupid bitch wont talk to me, why the hell should I go as far as sitting down with her to talk? I hope she gets deported.

boring...

I went to Blick's today and got a new sketchpad. They do not have the oil pastels I like so I didnt get any. Ill have to go to Office Max I think.


I want spring. It is 32 and sunny here today. I drove w/my windows down.

Therapy was great today. We went over the past few days. It is rough man. Laura has all of my behaviors and thoughts written down right in front of her. She is seeing what I am eating, where I am, my thoughts and whether or not I am using any symptoms during the day. She looks at my weight every session..it is well, exposing. Laura and i have had a lot of issues over the years working together. At first, I was a stubborn teenager. She brought to light all the problems I had. I did not have a drinking problem. My life was fine I thought. It was hard (and still is at times) because she is so brutally honest. She will not accept any bullshit answer. She is BRILLIANT at what she is doing. She is highly respected at is feared by many patients. Now, it is funny to me that I was one of those her feared her and hated therapy. We laugh, she has a soft spot for me now. She is very invested in me and my recovery and it is quite a good feeling.

February Exercise

Feb 1
30min cardio
20min yoga/stretching

Feb 2
30min cardio
10min core

Feb 3
1hr yoga

Feb 6
30min cardio

Feb 7
20min cardio
1hr yoga

Feb 9
30min cardio
10min core/stretch

Feb 10
1hr yoga

Feb 11
10min cardio
1hr yoga

Feb 13
20min yoga

Feb 14
1hr yoga

Feb 16
1hr yoga
Total:
9hr, 30min