Im in a rut mood wise. Im not sure what is going on but I dont really like it.  My body has been freaking me out.  I think it started last with with Tamar as we started talking about my body. Instead of the art route which we used to do, we are now delving into body image work that really needs to be done but is so hard. R and I are going to go thrifting Saturday and I plan to get loose linen pants (yay warm weather!) and lots of dresses for the summer as well.  I dont need to torture myself in jeans when everytime I attempt to eat well my body swells up and holds as much water as a Culligan man.

 I gain anywhere from 6-8 pounds whenever I have ONE freaking day of healthy eating. I avoid salt, I drink water (or attempt, I usually have to remind myself quite a bit) and I work out. Still, I gain and the water gives me a belief that I am fat. I do think Im fat right now. I hate the way I look and yet, I am still trying to deal with it.  I cannot afford to lose weight. I cannot go back to that place, that hell, that torture.

I need a strategy for tomorrow. I need to set times I will eat because otherwise I end up putting it off and then I end up being ridic at night.

I made 3 days this week without bping. Yesterday was a whirlwind of emotions. I woke up and from the minute I did my mood was weak. I felt bad for putting R through it but I guess the truth is, if he chose to stay with me yesterday when I offered to go home bc of my mood, it is his choice. It was a nice day though. We were out and about and then at night went out with some friends. I was so bloated/distended and was miserable. My legs were bulging out of my jeans and I just need to not wear jeans for a while. Anyway, although it was fun, I lost a chunk of time. I lost a big chunk of time because I ate sweet potato fries and Ill admit, in the way I ate them, it was bingy. It was not a binge however. I went to the bathroom to purge, and it would have been the first time around him and I couldnt do it. I was so nervous and felt so guilty so I didnt. Im really struggling with my body at the moment. I think Im going to go out and get some dresses for this spring/summer so while I am adjusting again, I dont have to worry about jeans.

back to the blog

*disclaimer* I got really upset tonight and I tried journaling but it wouldnt come so I did what I could and wrote Tamar who had written me an email today after our session...

Thank you Tamar. I wish I would have answered too. Unfortunately, or good for me, I was sleeping. I was going to go to yoga but I just couldnt really do anything but sleep. Im just going to write a bit because I want you to hear these thoughts as they are present because other times, I have trouble verbalizing them. I hate this. I hate it. I dont fight it unless it is going well. If urges are not present, I will eat and keep it in. If urges creep in, I throw in the towel and I give in right away because it is so comforting. I hate myself. I hate that I am lying to everyone, even myself! I still think Im doing well most of the time. Well, just because things are as they were before, that doesnt mean I am doing well. Ive come out of that denial a bit because I can verbalize it to you. Nonetheless, I HATE who I am when I am an eating disorder. I am a liar. I am a walking lie. I walk into TEP and hope that when Angela and Helene see me they think I am doing well because my body is heavier. I am just as sick though arent I? Why am I just coming to terms with this and WHY am I allowing it? What is going on inside of me that I brought myself back to this horrifying way to "experience" life? I told my mom and she said that I am the stronger one but guess what Tamar? Im not. There is no way I am stronger than this monster living in my head. There is no way to compete with it. It runs through my veins, it is in my brain, it consumes everything. I am dirty. I know Ive said it before and I still feel it; I am internally dirty/gross. The other thing she told me was to "kick it in the ass," which at least lightened the mood.

Tamar, does the answer of "Why cant I fight these thoughts," lie inside of me? I feel like I need an answer. Im tired. I am exhausted from fighting and always losing. Why would I keep putting myself up against something that will always win? Why humiliate myself like that time after time? I guess I believe there is a way out of this. I fear that I dont have what it takes to really take a stand. You know why else I hate myself currently? I say these things over and over. Every year I "want help," and every year I tell myself "I can do this, I just need to do A, B and C. Thats the answer!" What if there is no answer? Im so close to admitting defeat. Im so close to the edge. The louder the voice gets and the more I pay attention to it, the closer I get to wanting to lose weight, wanting to start laxatives again, start purging water, cutting..all those things I let go of, they are all so close to the surface. If that happens, then the drinking has a good chance of popping up and then..I dont know if I am strong enough to live with all of those in my life again and I DO want to live. I really do. I really want recovery. I hate the way I have let the ED back in so strongly.

As someone who knows me WELL, what is your perception of me? Am I doing a well job of hiding my demons from the world?

You can read this and delete it, you dont need to respond. I tried to journal right now because I got very upset and when I tried to journal I couldnt. I could however write to you. Maybe I wanted someone to just hear me.

*edited to add: "Well, just because things are as they were before"....paragraph 2. Fruedian slip?