Jebus.

"Have you ever considered residential?"

No. Never.

I get the recommendation and all that but I have to give this a go when I get out of Melrose. Im not going to immediately go for residential because if that were the case I know I would discharge myself today and use sx until I went. This way, I have to at least try while Im here. Im so proud of JM. She is doing so well here and trying to get into CFC. I recommended it to her and Im not worried about her at all. It is such a great place and I know she will do amazing there.

I totally, finally, went to the bathroom (BM) today. Thank you GOD. Seriously. 7 days here eating with no movement was rough. Who knows when I went before I came in. Probably a few weeks.

Dad is coming tonight for a CE (cafeteria experience) and all I want is a damn diet soda!! That'd be so good right now. Diet Dr Pepper or Diet Mt Dew. Im going to limit it when I leave (i think) but damnit I want one right now.

Thats all, I got nothing.

"DBT. What the fuck is that?!? Its some Oprah bullshit."
-L

hmm decisions

Things are going well today. Breakfast and snack were good today. For snack I had granola and PEACH yogurt, my fav. I met with Laura today. Ive seen her on and off since 2004. Ive been thinking a lot about what to do when I leave here. Im a little upset with The Emily Program. I dont think I would have ever gotten to this bad of a place if I was at Melrose. I would have had more medical monitoring and I dont think my symptoms would have gotten so out of control. There would have been an intervention sooner. Dont get me wrong, I know this is my issue, I need to take responsibility for myself but at some point I think we all need help. I needed someone to tell me I didnt have to live this way, that they wanted to help me. I need help at times to see things more clearly. I still want to work with Tamar, that is one person I dont want to leave. Im scared to leave there but I think I just need something a little more strict. At The Emily Program, *my* team has allowed me to get really sick. I have always had to take the initiative and I know thats good, but at some point I think someone needs to aid in my decision and suggest I get further help. Also, I asked for it a few times and got told that DBT was the answer. Of course its helpful but not when my nutrition is so poor that I cant f*cking think.

Anyway....

Things are progressing. Not all things. I got here Thursday and I still havent *ahem* gone to the bathroom. Surprisingly I havent had any pain from it. Blood pressure and heart rate a little low still so I cannot do any strength classes.

Thats all for now I suppose. I got nothing.

monday monday

Ive had a little bit of a rough morning. My breakfast and AM snack were big. I know I planned it that way and that my meals will be smaller now so thats good. Ive already had 4 grains today so from Lunch to PM snack I will only have to have 3. Such a relief. I like getting it out of the way in the morning but then it makes it a little bit more difficult because I feel so full in the morning. So maybe I will work on spreading it out a bit more.

I havent met with my T or RD yet which is weird. I would like to know who I at least see. I did see my RD briefly Thursday. Today is treatment team so I will find out my estimated length of stay, if I get any Cafeteria Experiences and Open Cafes, also if I get any passes. I doubt I will get any passes because Ive been here before so I know what to expect when I leave. They give passes to people who have never been here before. My friend Jacci is here too and maybe leaving soon which I dont want her to. She is planning on going residential and I would like her to stay here until she does go. Shes so hilarious.

I did my first cryptogram today and I loved it. I am addicted already. Love it!!

mind playing tricks?

Things are going okay. Im getting anxious about the weight thing already. I just started on full portions today and can already feel the difference in fullness. That fullness in my stomach gets my ass, stomach, legs and arms feeling fat automatically. I am trying to be logical about this but I really dont believe that I havent gained a ton of weight already. I feel like I am at a good weight and it should be left at that. I know that I was achieving my weight in an unhealthy way but part of me still thinks its an okay weight, I just need to maintain it in a healthier way. Sometimes I think my thinking might be slightly illogical but right now I do not think that. I think things are just fine, that I could leave IP and be okay right now but THAT I know is not the case. Im really scared to leave because I dont want to go back to the ED but Im also trying to stay in the present moment.

Right now we are watching "Confessions of a Shopaholic," a movie we could not watch at CFC. I read all the books in the series. I know the movie isnt going to be as good, that I can already tell.

I dont know how long I will be here. Tomorrow is treatment planning so I guess I will get an idea then. I am guessing Ill be here until at least Sunday. Who knows if they will keep me past that. It seems like a lot of people are leaving after 10 days which is such a stupid thing. Unless you have a lot of weight to gain, they dont think you need to be here. All I am going to is 12 hours of DBT. I dont know if I will work. I dont like my job and I really think I need something that is not around food and something that gives me more meaning in my life. On the other hand its good money for doing basically nothing.