almost done!

I cannot wait until this weekend is over. I am possibly discharging Friday. I am so ready. Of course Im scared shitless since Ive been here a long time but I am double ready. I feel so cooped up and I am just ready to start living. Im making a lot of preparations so that I set myself up for success but that does not mean I do not expect hard times and possible slips. If they do happen I need to self correct in the ways I have placed in line. I wont really be sure if I am discharging until midweek so that sucks but i know it will be soon :)

First off, let me start out with saying that AP is kicking some major ass right now!

The weekend is the weekend. I've had a good time hanging out with Devon :) There have definitely been ED struggles and I know I can work through them with being honest and moving on forward.

Friday afternoon/evening I went to pick up Devon as she had gotten locked out of her apartment. I rescued her and took her to boy's work so she could get his key and be let in her apartment. I came home and dont remember the rest of the night so thats that I guess. Saturday morning I woke up and went for a short run/walk and then ran some stairs that I found and did some lunges. I really like my membership at Lifetime but I like doing things like this better. It makes it feel like less of a workout and I do it in a healthier state of mind. A big part of me is scared of letting that membership go but I know Torey really does not want me going to the gym and I know that certain things at the gym can trigger me. Its honestly a healthy place for most of the time but its when I see that one skinny chick...Devon and I tried to donate plasma but we got there too late so we are attempting again Saturday. We went to the Farmers Market in Murray Park and it was uplifting. I wish I had a family so I could have bought some boxes of veggies or fruits but its fun to look at too. Not to mention taste test everything ;) Devon and I wanted to get the oatmeal at Paradise Bakery and we ended up getting there 30 minutes to late. I even asked if they would still make it for me but they declined. After we both went home to eat instead, Katie, Jim, boy and girl Devon/Devan and I went to the Pet Adoption and I almost got two kitties. In the end it didnt feel right so I left the little guys there. They were adorable but really, I dont trust two little kittens being home while I am not. Im scared they would get in trouble or get hurt. I also do not want to move somewhere in a year that does not allow them and have to leave them to yet another foster home. So once I get more settled somewhere, I will look into a pet.

I went to Devon's in the evening and played with K's little girl as they were there visiting. Girls roommate Justin came home. He was some nice eye candy. And then I had a dream about him and boy and girl. Nice, lol.

Im really tired. I didnt get as much sleep as I would have liked to but after waking up early I couldnt fall asleep again so decided to get up. I got my car cleaned finally which Ive been meaning to do for awhile now. So that feels nice. Now Im just hanging out and might go on a walk/hike soon. Im so tired but I really like the weather right now.

Oh-Katie and Jim got a puppy. He is a terrier mix and is a year old male named Sparky. He is a cute little guy.

This past weekend left my jaw dropped open as a bus drove past me in Salt Lake City advertising Gold's Gym-"If it jiggles, it's fat."

What Gold's Gym fails to mention on the side of the bus is that women require 20-25% body fat for optimal body functioning and men about 5% less. This body fat helps the body insulate and keep warm, regulate body temperature, produce hormones for reproduction and keep vital organs as well as nerves protected.

Eating Disorders are on the rise. One in four college aged women experience Bulimic symptoms. Anorexia is the leading killer of mental disorders and these eating disorders are increasing among women AND men. Children as young as age 5 are now developing eating disorders.

I chose to let this advertisement affect me. I went home that day, walked to my bathroom mirror, pulled my shirt up and jumped up and down. What did I see? FAT. Screw that. How can I be fat? I am 5'8" and know that my body weight is not about 140, possibly not above 130, 125..who knows. I am trying to let that number go and allow my Dietitian to keep that information.

I am only one person but I am trying to spread the message that Gold's Gym is not. A few years ago, as I was starving myself, I whittled myself down from a body fat percentage of 19% to 10%. The trainers at Gold's Gym congratulated me and reinforced my behaviors. I heard about the many disgusting tactics the personal trainers use to drive in money and more money.

About a year ago, I switched over to Lifetime Fitness and am more pleased than ever before. I no longer feel like a monetary value but more so a member of their community.

Today=awesome. I woke up around 7 to shower and get ready to go meet my friend Annie for a walk at Calhoun. We met at Caribou and walked the lake. it was so sunny and nice out. We parted ways and both went to appts. I had to go see Angela and Helene and when I walked in Molly was there. It was SO great to see her. I got so many hugs and smiles and I felt like I was somewhere I was really wanted. Molly said she is glad Im not done yet. She has seen me go through a lot. She has seen me at my ultimate worst. I told her about my slip yesterday and how I got myself back on track. She inspires me and motivates me so much. She has this radiance about her and she beams with fun. I want to be like her someday and I feel like Im one my way now. I wrote her a note and placed on her car after my sessions with Helene and Angela. Sessions with them went well. it was especially nice to see Angela and see how proud of me she was. Things with her were really rough before I left and now that I am willing things are so much better.

I went to half price books and got Choke and Diary. I got an Audio book for the drive. I came home and Dad and I went fishing. We caught about 10 that were worth keeping. I caught so many that fit in the palm of my hand and my Dad caught a bullhead, ew!

Manda called me on the way and I called her back. It was SO nice to hear her voice. I really missed her and didnt realize how much. Im meeting her tomorrow for lunch after I go to an AA meeting. Im also meeting with Tamar tomorrow at 9 and we are discussing whether or not it will work seeing her when Helene goes on maternity leave.

I love it here so much and at the same time I am missing Utah so much.