who knows if ill keep up with this. i never do. this month, im starting this mainly for me. im going to use it as a way to keep track of my behaviors and such. DBT nerd.

At 6pm I woke up from a nap and began to cook dinner. I was really anxious and wanted it to cook faster so I could begin eating. Whilst eating I kept thinking about how I wanted to binge and how I could after because I just, well, could. There was nothing stopping me. Kate was leaving and I would be home alone. I thought about how the goal is to not use symptoms. This time I acted on my anxiety and the fact that I had an opportunity.

Behavior Chain

*Fell asleep watching The United States of Tara
*Napping is nice but reminds me of being depressed and I use it as avoidance. This felt like I was using it to pass the time because I kept thinking about food.
*I ate lunch and was proud of myself for having such a well rounded, balanced, someone new lunch.
*I was putting off eating. It was nearing 3pm and I hadnt eaten lunch.
*I met the girls (Rachel and Ashley) for a walk around Lake Harriet. I saw my body in a reflection amongst leaving the lake and going to Linden Hills.
*I compared myself a lot to Rachel and Ashley because they are thinner than me. I did have a great time with them.
*I was going to put off eating snack until after the lake but I did it before leaving. I felt guilty because I put cream in my coffee. My ED was giving me hell for it so I counted it as a fat tally even though Elizabeth told me not to. I agreed to be flexible but I felt out of control and dirty from it, so I counted it toward meal plan.
*Kate came home from yoga. I felt lazy and gross and ashamed that I had not been to the gym in a long time. I was jealous that she had gone to yoga and scared that she would have a better body than me.
*I had eaten a healthy breakfast. One of my favs (oatmeal w/almonds and fresh fruit) and felt okay with that. I did feel gross that I finished my diet mt dew and had it with breakfast.
*I got to bed late the night before and slept in until 10am. I had spent the night b/ping and REALLY went wild. I spent a lot of money that I dont even have. I went from fast food drive thrus to ice cream shops and gas stations to purge. It felt just like "the old times" and it scared me. I also felt so guilty and lazy that I let myself do that. Because of this I canceled on Kathy and Logan for the paper route. I rationalized it because I am working the Warped Tour tomorrow.
*I left Melrose knowing full well that I was going to b/p. I didnt necessarily have strong physical urges. I made the decision in my head and once I do that its so hard to go back on it. I need help with this.
*I got a dinner I wanted at Melrose. I am glad I did and it tasted good *spinach and cheese ravioli w/alfredo sauce*
*I had a difficult morning. I had urges all morning and after lunch I used symptoms. I had trouble keeping myself at Melrose after that because I felt ill and my blood sugars were really low. Ashamed.

I dont really feel like Im getting anywhere with this. I cant pinpoint why it happened and that pisses me off. I know there is always a reason. Even if its just "i decided to," there is a reason I just decided to. I think a lot of it has to do with the way Hecksel has been treating me, and me taking it personally because I admit, I do like her. I want her to accept me and I want her confirmation that I am a good person and right now Im not getting that :/

Tomorrow is Aug 1st. Well technically it is Aug 1st right now. Its the beginning of the new month. I am not going to make it a goal to not use symptoms in August. Instead, my goal for August is to take each day as it comes. Make a goal each day that I will do what I can. I will do the best I can. And I will choose recovery.