-bagel thins
-tuna pouches
-steamed veggies
-yogurt (actually just got Yoplait instead of Fage)
-Powerade Zero
-20oz Sprite Zero and new Pepsi Max flavor
-turkey single serving and honey ham single serving deli meat (sale for $0.35 each!!! and dont expire until April 25th)
And I spent $12. I am a bomb ass shopper, lol.
I woke up this morning and felt sick. (Bryce is downstairs playing piano right now
) I struggled to get out of bed but got up and felt better after I drank my tea. I saw Tamar at nine and had a great session. I tried to explain to her how awful I feel in the mornings. I feel dirty, internally. I crawl out of my skin. I thought maybe I could get it out on paper so I could see it visually and she suggested I try making something relating to how I would *like* to feel in the morning. After I was done she asked to hold it up for me to look at. I felt anxious looking at it. I had a hollow, heavy, butterfly feeling in the deepest part of my stomach. Ironically, what I drew was exactly how I feel in the morning. Its waves crashing, thunder clouds rolling...I left it there. I didnt want to bring it with me. After the appt I went to the gym across from TEP. The ambulance was coming. PJ and I always joke its a client of TEP at the gym or some other damn ED chick 
Its the 2nd time Ive seen one there. Showered up and PJ met me outside of Lifetime and gave me the tea she got me. I was running low and THEN spilled water in my purse ruining ALL of my sweet & spicy tea that I live off of. She got me some. Such a sweetie. We swap food and little gifts all the time. Its cute. I got some of our favorite PB the other day and realized I didnt really feel safe keeping it around the house. its Parkers brand. Very good. So when we met up for Bucko as usual on Tuesday night I pulled a tub of PB out of my purse for her, LOL. I got her 2 of the protein bars I love. She gets me yogurt and oatmeal. I got her this little chicken that lays (gumball) eggs. I get her Fage when I buy it. Its cute. Everyday we send each other a text and its always like "I got you a gift!" About 2 weeks ago I decided I needed to spend less time with her and now that I have our relationship has gotten better/healthier and the time we do spend together we are very healthy and supportive of each ones recovery. We have snacks together (rarely lunch or dinner bc we are both trying to spend money so we dont eat out), we go for short walks together, we talk about skills we've used, we text each other if we feel urgy just to get the thoughts out (tell on ourselves) and we laugh SO MUCH together. We spend a short amount of time talking about our EDs (recovery moreso) and the rest of the time we are together its a genuine friendship based on similarities. I feel so lucky to have found her. We think the same, we finish each other's sentences. Its quite cute. I got two Easter Eggs and I want to fill them will something cute but I havent figured out what yet. We are very simple people so it doesnt need to be anything extravagant.I met Angela and she said a few things that scared me.
"Your body is going to give out quicker and quicker each time you do this to yourself."
"...years of abuse..."
"This isnt enough."
"How long do you think you can survive on this?"
I guess I dont think Im struggling that much but then at other times I realize how hard its been lately. I was lying in bed the other night and lying there felt like it took too much energy out of me. I know Im being cruel to my body. Work really helps. I want energy when Im there. I think DBT is going to help me SO much. I know learning these skills in depth is what I need. I know everything about ED recovery lol. What I need to learn is how to sit through the distress, the panic I feel. I need to recognize it and deal with it. I need to quit avoiding it. Im eating in all my sessions now (usually 5x/week-Angelax2, Helenex2, Tamarx1). I'll also try to eat something in DBT, that is, if we get a break which Im sure we will since its 12-4.
I came home and did some stupid stuff. Read in bed. Fell asleep. Read some more. Freaked out bc I needed to move around so I left the house and wasted time because work called me off today. I honestly dont think I would have been much use there today. I was physically exhausted, emotionally and mentally fatigued and just out of it.
Going to try and finish this book this weekend...
